The pinnacle of relationships. The long sought after… forever. You’re not asking for much? Just…
It could be so simple. But it’s not.
The truth is, while a great number of us want to be married, I’m going to make the bold claim that most of us aren’t even remotely close to being ready for it.
And if you think that simply wanting to be married makes you ready, then you’re probably the least ready for it. Fight me!
So where is this coming from? Well, looking back at my past relationships, looking at past partners, and my past self… they weren’t ready and neither was I. How they and I approached situations was terribly misguided and doomed for failure. Let me give an example
I was dating this one woman not too long ago. We had been seeing each other for a while and she pushed me to take things to the next level. She really wanted that commitment from me. Unfortunately, I never took the next step. Why? Because of how she handled herself when something was wrong or bothering her. She would come over to my place and I’d greet her, give her a hug, kiss, etc. And yet, I could often sense something was off. I would ask her what’s wrong and she’d say nothing. Despite what she said, her body language told a different story entirely. I’d leave her alone for a while and then try again… “hey babe, what’s wrong?” And again… “nothing”. Sometimes, she would never reveal what was bothering her.
On more than one occasion, she’d blatantly ignore me. For example, I’d get up to get a glass of water and offer if she wanted any, and she wouldn’t respond. Eventually, I’d get fed up and stop trying. We’d spend nights together where she would completely shut me out. One of the more infuriating nights, after I had given up on trying to fix whatever the problem was, she literally starting crying. I’m watching a show and just out of nowhere, I see her crying. Of course, I go to her and try to talk to her. She still doesn’t speak and I end up just holding her. She later reveals to me that she was upset at herself because she felt like she kept ruining things. I tried explaining to her that the only way she’s ruining things is by ignoring me and shutting me out.
Mind you, this is behavior that I noticed well before she pushed us to get into a relationship, so you can’t say, she was upset that I didn’t commit. This was how she handled things. But she wants to be in a relationship and eventually get married? She’s a grown woman… I’m not going to sit and beg for a person to tell me what’s wrong. If you’re not ready to talk about it, then say that, but don’t ignore me.
That’s just one example. I’ll list a few others in short that I feel are major issues that need to be resolved before being in a relationship or getting married
- Not being able to apologize
- Seriously, if you can’t admit that you screwed up, you need to get over that shit ASAP. Don’t even bother dating until you conquer this. You’re going to make mistakes, you’re going to fuck up, but if you can’t admit to your fuck ups, you ain’t ready. Oh and I mean genuinely admit to them… none of this “I’m sorry if you feel that way” or “If you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t have done…” Own it and fess up.
- Unwilling to forgive
- Along the same line, you have to be able to forgive. Of course, not everything is forgivable, but when your partner genuinely apologizes, don’t hold it over their head… let that shit go.
- Ignoring how your partner feels
- If your partner tells you something is bothering them, this is when you’re supposed to listen with open ears and compassion. But if instead, you somehow blame them for their feelings or basically say they don’t matter… then guess what? You’re not ready.
- Can’t find the good in people
- Ok, this is an insidious one but if you have to really look hard to find the good in people, you shouldn’t be dating. Why? Because you’re basically a negative person and focus on negativity. You’re supposed to build your partner up, but if you’re negative, all you’re going to do is tear them down. If it’s hard for you to find the good in someone, especially your partner, then you’re not ready.
- Handling insecurity/trust issues destructively
- So I had to be careful about this one. Most of us are insecure about something or another, whether or not we’re aware of it or admit to it. And usually, when there’s insecurity, the trust issues follow. The key here is how you handle it. If you become accusatory, stalkerish, or flat out crazy, then you need to get that in check. However, being mature about such issues can actually bring you two closer together. I’ll explain in another post.
- Unable or unwilling to put someone before yourself
- If everything is always about you and never about anyone else, then to put it simply… you’re selfish. Relationships/marriage has no room for selfishness and if you can’t figure out why, well…
This list is by no means exhaustive but it’s a start on some of the things to be on the lookout for in your partner and more importantly, within yourself.
What other signs have you seen that let you know a person isn’t ready for a relationship/marriage?
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