The Case for the Pre-Date – A Man’s Perspective

Hey folks! Happy New Year! I’ve been slacking on the blog but I’m getting back on the horse.

There has been an article floating around the internet: So, What’s A Pre-Date Anyway?

It came out last year, but seems to be making its rounds again (at least, on my social feeds anyway). I wasn’t going to touch this subject, but after an interaction on POF I just had with a young lady, it made me think about it.

I wrote a while back about initial communications with someone new and how it often feels like an Interrogation. Well, this interaction was no different. Me asking multiple questions, forming complete sentences, and getting back 2 word answers. After a while, I had run out of fucks to give and called her out on it – politely mind you. Surprisingly, I actually got full sentences in response. She explained that she preferred face to face interactions vs on the phone. This is perfectly understandable, and I simply retorted that I’d prefer to establish some sort of connection prior to meeting face to face. She gave no fucks and basically told me, “well that’s you, you asked why I was dry and I told you”. Sensing the clear dearth of fucks she had for my desire to converse, I politely concluded the exchange.

This got me to thinking… This is why pre-dates happen.

Hear me out. In the past, I’ve done the olde school way of asking a woman out and getting to know her on the date. When it came to online dating, I tried to skip the texting, phone calls, and meet in person as quickly as possible. I quickly learned that this is a great way to waste a lot of time, effort, and money on people I had no future with. There were dates where I knew in the first 5 minutes that there was no future. Dates where I really put in time and effort to pull off, only to discover that she was more interested in her phone or couldn’t form a complete sentence to save her life. This was an expensive lesson for me.

Now, before you start saying that I’m being cheap and that men shouldn’t be concerned about time, effort, and money spent on dates… Let me remind you, our generation is fucked financially. Don’t pretend you haven’t seen the articles about how we’re under crushing debt, earning less money, etc. I’m not going to lie to you though, I do make good money, at least by Atlanta’s standards. But understand this, I am in Atlanta… my cup runneth over with plenty of single women to choose from. What does this mean? This means I can rack up dates very easily. When I was really on the prowl, I could have up to 4 dates in a single week. Typical dinner date with me is $80-100. This adds up very quickly. I remember one month, I had spent over $1000 on various dates (not all dinner dates mind you).

Obviously, this was unsustainable. I had to change my approach. Enter the pre-date. Now, when I first meet someone, I try to keep it low key. Yes, I may suggest Starbucks, a walk in the park, hell I’ll invite her to my place and offer to cook or order in. In any case, I’m reducing my initial investment into this person, should there not be any real connection (and it has saved me time and money on more than one occasion). Now I have to disagree with the article in question. I am not doing this to try to get the goods without making any real investment (but I’m not opposed to it should it happen, sue me). But I am definitely trying to figure out whether this person is truly worth my time and effort.

Just like women don’t want to waste their time, I don’t want to waste mine, and definitely don’t want to spend more money than necessary. People say that women should have standards for themselves and I fully agree and support that. But on the same token, I have standards as well.

Bringing this full circle, going back to the conversation that triggered all of this… This is why conversation is so important. I’ve reached a point now where I’m looking to have a conversation and speak on the phone a few times before ever meeting in person. For me, this is the “pre-date” now. Ladies, listen carefully.

This initial phase is so critical and determines whether or not I ask to meet you at Starbucks or I plan a full on date for you (or worse, my place with the intent to smash). If I feel that you’re not really engaged or not really interested in me, but you’re somewhat present, guess what? I’m getting you an iced latte. On the other hand, if you put in effort to communicate (meaning I’m not the only one initiating contact), you’re excited to talk to me, you flirt with me, you can hold a conversation, get your hair and nails done, cause I’m planning an evening for you.

The pre-date is a result of multiple factors, not just men trying to take short cuts (not going to pretend that this isn’t a factor, but not the only one). Like it or not, the world is changing. Our generation is not living in the same world as our parents or grand parents. As a result, our culture has been and is changing; including dating and courting.

 

 

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