Now that I’ve come out as being polyamorous, I feel like it’s good idea to explain why. There are some people who have lived this lifestyle from the moment they started dating; others, like me, don’t fully step into the lifestyle until much later in life. So what happened? What pushed me to move away from monogamy?
Inquiring minds want to know…
Well the short of it is this: A few months ago, while dating a number of women, I realized that I did not see a future with any of them (kinda around the time I wrote Yup, time to start over). The truth is, I’ve always had an interest in the polyamory lifestyle, since I was a teenager. And in truth, I have presented the idea to every woman I’ve dated and none have been open to the alternative lifestyle beyond having a threesome. Once I realized that there was no future in the women I was seeing at the time and knowing that I’m not getting any younger, I figured it was as good a time as any to at least try out the lifestyle; and hey, I might actually get lucky and end up in the configuration that I want (more on that later). It’s been one hell of a journey so far, but that will come in future posts.
So that’s the quick run down: as I mentioned, I’ve been interested in this lifestyle since I was teenager. My thought process was simple, why can’t I have more than one girlfriend? Especially if they know about each other, are okay with it, and actually want it too? In truth, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that as long as the right people are involved and they truly want to be in a relationship with more than one person, why not?
Contrary to popular belief about polyamory, my choice has nothing to do with a fear of commitment, monogamy, or being faithful. Up until recently, short of being single and dating multiple people, I have always been monogamous. In fact, I was a serial monogamist. And full disclosure, I was not 100% faithful in all of my relationships, but I didn’t cheat in all of them either; and yes, I was faithful in the majority of them. Being faithful to one person is a choice. Just as monogamy is… just as polyamory is. I am choosing this alternative lifestyle; and it’s not because I can’t handle monogamy. To throw in a poly term, I’m what is called “ambiamorous”, meaning, I can either be monogamous or polyamorous. But at this point in my life, I’ve decided to be polyamorous. That may change, that may not. But that’s beauty of life and free will, I get to choose.
Now that I’ve got that out the way, let’s get into the meat of it. What exactly appeals to me about polyamory? It’s the sex right? Yeah totally, that’s the only reason… I get to fuck as many bitches as I want with no restraint! (For those who can’t tell, this is sarcasm)
Although that’s what many think polyamory is about, it’s not. Now, I’m not going to lie to you, since we’re on the subject, the sexual freedom that can come (doesn’t always) from polyamory is definitely a plus, but is not the sole nor main reason it appeals to me. In truth, even starting as a teenager, I began to question the idea of “the one”. I don’t believe that there is a single person that can be everything I need and want in a person; on the flipside, I don’t think I can be everything another person wants and needs. And think about logistics, what if you find someone who’s perfect for you, but you’re not perfect for them? What then? Polyamory allows me the freedom to connect with more than one person so I don’t have to settle. On the flipside, it relieves the pressure of trying to be everything for someone else.
Let me break this down with a concrete example, cause I know some will say that I’m making an excuse to not compromise, evolve, or commit. Let’s say I’m a homebody and a bit of a fitness freak. I’m dating a woman named Alisha. Alisha is a ball of energy, hates being inside, and loves working out. As you would expect, Alisha and I work out together regularly, do marathons, obstacle courses, you name it. We are each other’s favorite person for fitness activities. But come the weekend or even an after work happy hour, I’d rather be at home and she’d rather be out. She wants to go out with someone she can connect with, and I want to cuddle on the couch naked with take out and a good discussion. Now normally, in monogamy, we’d each be expected to compromise but in polyamory, we don’t have to. She doesn’t have to force herself to sit still, and I don’t have act like I’m having a good time with strangers; there’s no pressure on either of us to do this. Why? Because Alisha has John (or Linsey) who shares her outgoing spirit that she would much rather prefer to go out with. And me? I have Sharon, who loves nothing more than to argue over books we read and stay inside. Now who’s losing here? Every person is literally getting their needs and desires met. I know Alisha is out with John (or Linsey), John (or Linsey) knows about me, Alisha knows about Sharon, and Sharon knows about Alisha. Everyone is aware of everyone else, there are no secrets, and everyone gets to do what they truly want to do with the people whom they truly want to do it with. The person I want to cuddle with and the person I want to do mud runner with, do not have to be one and the same. Polyamory gives me (and my partners) the freedom to connect with others to get all of my (and their) desires and needs met.
In truth, this is probably the biggest draw to polyamory for me. There are several other reasons, but I’m realizing how long this post is. I’ll make a part II (and maybe part III), but for now, I’ll stop here. Let me know your thoughts, I know you got some!
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